I grew up in a very hard-working farm culture - a “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” mentality. While this has gotten me far in life and is probably a necessity for life on the farm, it formed in me a foundation of independence. Complete dependency on what I could do and accomplish on my own. I often found myself resenting others who were weak and needy. Thinking thoughts like “get it together already” and being embarrassed for them that they could not get out of this place of weakness and dependency on others. All the while, numbing out my own feelings and the need for others in my life.
Thankfully, the Lord is in the business of exposing faulty foundations.
I spend quite a bit of time in a small body of believers. A body marked by worship, prayer, repentance and encouragement. In the last months, while spending time with this group, two different people sensed that I was carrying shame and asked me to test that with the Lord. I pondered this and sought the Lord and nothing was coming to mind. Feeling like I had gone over my past with a fine-toothed comb, I had already repented of and broken agreement with much shame and condemnation over many areas of my life.
And then the Lord asked me to do something that was an impossibility in my own strength. (Details coming soon!). It was too big, too public, too scary, too much for me to handle by myself. I would need to depend on him and others for what this required of me. Fear seized me at the thought of stepping out in a more public way for him, yet I knew what awaited me on the other side. Freedom.
I have learned that fear always alerts me to the fact that I am not free in a certain area. As author Rob Riemer says, “Fear is a tool of the enemy to keep us from the fullness of the glory of God.”
So as I reeled at the thought of saying “yes” to the Lord in a new way, I became starkly aware of my aloneness. My independence could not carry me this time. I felt the weight of weakness on my shoulders. And later, crying big, ugly, terrible tears in front of our small body of believers, I admitted my complete and utter weakness. And someone said simply, “we need each other.” This small statement wrecked me in the best way.
It gave me permission to need others.
Then the very next day, I heard the Lord whisper, “you are ashamed of your own weakness.” And there it was. A light shining in the darkness of what my heart carried. Shame. As I repented of the shame over being weak and asked the Lord to remove it, I then felt led to ask him to replace my shame with being “poor in Spirit.” I want to live my life in total dependence on him. And this includes being dependent on the body of Christ.
He is showing me that faith requires dependency.
Dependence is a scary place to be. It’s completely vulnerable. But the Lord is so kind. He purposefully gave us different giftings to become dependent on each other. Working together in unity as the body. He made me weak in some areas and strong in others. By design. Wanting me to seek out others who are strong in my weak areas and work together with them. Not living in jealousy over what they have that I don’t, but actually celebrating it and encouraging it….depending on it.
So I’ve entered a season of asking the Lord to teach me how to be poor in Spirit. This is a place I want to stay. Needy. Needy for him. Needy for the beautiful body of believers.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matt. 5:3
Tami Driggers
