Jesus has had me in a very refining season this past year. In July 2021, my husband and I left California with our 3-year-old and 3-month-old daughters to move across the country to Kansas. This decision was made purely out of obedience to what God had placed on our hearts. We knew He was calling us to leave everything, and when an opportunity to go unexpectedly came, we knew we needed to trust and obey.
Since then, it has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I am a stay at home mom that now lives on a college campus as my husband is a resident educator for a quad of freshman college men. Without going into detail, this season of life has been overwhelming. I’ve left my whole family, whom I love and were my only help with our children besides my husband, and have also left the familiar town I’ve lived in my entire life. The stress and anxiety of so many changes (along with the change of going from having one baby to two) has been extremely hard. It has brought out a side of my flesh that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been more impatient than I ever have been with my kids and my husband. I've let my sadness and loneliness come out in extreme anger many times and I’ve questioned the purpose in being here so much that I’ve lost trust in Jesus’s love for me very often.
I’ve wondered why he would bring me here if it meant I’d be a terrible mom and a terrible wife. A hypocrite who left everything for Jesus but is a horrible person on the inside. Throughout this time I’ve sensed Jesus so close, and the only way I can describe him is gentle, patient, and so gracious. So many times he’s comforted me with His understanding, even when he hasn’t given direct answers to my “why’s.”
Recently Jesus made it very clear to me as I look back on this difficult year that if there’s one thing He cares about most, it is my heart. More than obedience, more than sacrifice. My
dependency and craving for the love of Jesus has been the highest it’s been since being
stripped of all my comforts. I’ve longed to be with Him but I’ve never longed so much for a hug from Him, to feel His hands holding mine, to see His eyes looking back at me, to capture His gaze, to dance with Him, to be loved by Him, and to hear His voice.
I don’t think I would have had these same desires in the comfort of my life in California. I have always said marriage and becoming a mom have been the most refining things in my life. They are extremely difficult but extremely rewarding. I never expected obedience to refine me the way it has. To strip me of my pride and humble me. To challenge me and reveal the desires of my flesh that have always been there.
Throughout all of this, He continues to reveal more to my heart about Him as my husband and I as his bride. After having a conversation with a younger couple we love who are eagerly anticipating marriage, I recognize that these longings I have in Jesus all reflect my heart as His bride. I long to be where He is. To be captivated by His love and attention. I’ve come to the conclusion that any hardship we must go through in our obedience to Him, any discomfort, any sacrifice, is more than worth it if it means I will gain a greater understanding of His love for me and my extreme need for Him.
Last week as I stood doing the dishes I couldn’t help but ask “Lord, are you actually pleased with our decision to come here? I know you are pleased with my husband and the work he’s done but are you pleased with ME?” He then responded and said “Brianna, do you not realize you left everything that you cherish? Your family and your comfort are everything to you, and you willingly gave it up for me.”
As He revealed to me the seriousness and sacrifice of the decision we made to move, in the
same breath and a similarly loving tone He said “being obedient and giving sacrifice is often easier than simply spending time with me.”
I have never felt so loved and understood but also gently and authoritatively corrected at the same time. Most of my struggles and doubting have stemmed from a lack of abiding in Him. And in any advice I’ve sought after or questions I’ve asked, or ways I’ve doubted, He’s lovingly answered with himself being the answer. His presence is what develops the fruit of the Spirit in my life. Not my husband, not my family, not having a break from my kids or having an extra hour to myself. It is Him and it will ALWAYS be Him. Everything else I seek will leave my heart dry, thirsty, and wanting true satisfaction.
I end this with saying if you are struggling in any shape or form, that the answer is simply Jesus. There is no excuse not to be with Him. As a stay at home mom, the quality of time spent with Him is much more important than the quantity. The revelation from His heart to our heart that is personal and unique to our relationship with Him, is more precious than anything we could ever hope would bring us healing outside of Him. He is concerned about our heart like a good Father always is. I pray that anyone who reads this would be touched by His love and humbly recognize our desperate need for Him.
…
“God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out
everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious
cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious,
everlasting way— the path that brings me back to you.”
Psalms 139:23-24 TPT
