I have struggled with insecurity my whole life. Over forty years of feeling inferior, timid, irrelevant in many rooms, and just plain scared in most of them. Knowing this about myself is one thing, but changing it is quite another. It’s not for lack of wanting to be confident or even trying to be. I’ve tried many things actually.
I’ve memorized many verses about being courageous (fist pump!). I’ve forced myself to do hard things like public speaking and singing (insert fast heart rate and sweaty palms). I’ve received many pep talks and encouragement over the years from bosses, friends, and family (it’s never enough, am I right?). But, nary a tip on the confidence scale.
Not long ago, I confessed this in community saying that while I’ve gained some confidence in the last years, I continue to struggle with feeling inferior. That’s when a mentor-friend of mine suggested I start the day by asking the Lord a question. He said this simple question will transform how you see yourself. You’ll begin to see yourself from the Lord’s perspective. It’s simply this:
Lord, what do you love about me?
This was one thing I hadn’t tried. So, having nothing to lose at this point, I began to start my days with this question. It’s scary, you know, to ask God a question. What if he doesn’t answer? If he does, what if I don’t like what he says? Would he quickly run out of things to say? What if I’m bothering him with a petty need for self-acceptance when he has much bigger fish to fry?
Despite all my questions and fears, I braced myself and began to ask him day after day, “Lord what do you love about me?” Then I waited and listened for the answer. He answers friends. He is delighted to answer. As thoughts and gentle whispers come, I write them down, often asking for clarification. Give me an example Lord. Show me where that’s true about myself. Can you say more about that?
It only took a few days and I began to eagerly anticipate this time with the Lord. However, he threw me for a bit of a loop a couple of weeks into it. I began our day in the usual way by asking the question and awaiting his reply. Our conversation went something like this:
“Lord, today what do you love about me?”
His answer came right away, “Your confidence.”
“Umm…excuse me? Did I hear you right? Lord, you know I’m not confident.”
In true Jesus-like fashion, he then asked a follow-up question, “Who told you that you weren’t confident?”
Huh. As I thought through the possibilities, I couldn’t think of a specific person who told me I wasn’t confident, though I know I was called “shy” many times throughout my life.
(Of course, I happily agreed with it as an excuse to get out of terrible things like public speaking and participating in big groups!).
However, after pondering this question for a while, I began to understand that the Lord was not asking me to name a specific person at fault but was confronting my overall agreement with what the enemy had spoken over me from childhood. He was making the point that it wasn’t him who told me I wasn’t confident. God had spoken a better word over me, I just hadn’t agreed with it. In fact, he continues to speak it over me despite my disagreement with it.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Tim 1:7)
You better believe I had this verse memorized for years, but as Rob Reimer explains in his book Soul Care, “Praying, fasting, and memorizing Scripture cannot help us draw near - unless we address the soul blocks. We have these unconfessed, unprocessed, undealt-with issues, and they hinder us from experiencing the fullness of God.”
God did not give me a spirit of timidity or speak that over me. I let the enemy speak it over me and I agreed with that lie. Over and over again for forty years. That kind of lie works itself into every crevice of life. It becomes a faulty foundation. So what could I do but repent? I immediately repented for agreeing with the lie that I am insecure, timid, shy, and all that goes with it.
I broke the agreement with those lies about me and now I stand in agreement with who God says I am. Confident. Though it’s hard to fully believe this about myself, I AM confident in him and what he says, so now I choose to trust in his deliverance and the healing and transformation of my mind.
If you struggle with timidity and insecurity, I invite you to ask God this one simple question:
Lord, what do you love about me?
It may just change who you thought yourself to be.
