If you are married, then you know the battle you have to engage if you are going to flourish in intimacy, love, and friendship with your spouse. Two of the primary prophetic pictures we are given in our natural relationships which depict spiritual relationships with God are found in parenting and marriage. When we discover God, we discover his identity as a Father and thus our identity as a son or daughter. Likewise, God the Son is the perfect husband with undefiled love and eternal commitment. When we discover his “husband” heart, we discover how our heart was fashioned to be like a bride. Because embracing these identities of God are paramount to having the right relationship with him, Satan will rage against these areas in our lives. Satan does not want us to flourish as parents nor prosper as couples.
Not unlike many of you, my marriage is hard. It takes work, patience, understanding, and continual death to self. If not intentionally cared for, time will chip away at that carefree happy romance we refer to as the “honeymoon,” and we will find ourselves quickly irritated with our spouse, that fiery undying love is now a flicker, and distance has grown between the two of us. Division has separated our hearts.
Though I have not been married for as long as many have, after seven years, I realize this is mostly a universal truth. As evidence, according to the American Psychological Association, as of 2022, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. And the rate only increases for second marriages. The marriage relationship takes work. As many can relate to, there are ebbs and flows throughout marriage. Seasons where circumstances are great and others where they aren’t. Recently my wife and I found ourselves in one that wasn’t. I thought to myself, “Why is our marriage so bad right now?” After several days of intense prayer and many conversations with my wife, the Lord revealed to me, “Your marriage isn’t any worse than it was last month when you thought things were great. The reason it seems worse now is because I am revealing to you the reality of where your hearts are at. They aren’t any worse or better than they were a month ago.”
I was surprised by this and needed to meditate on his words some more. I soon concluded this was true. As I continued to converse with God, I heard him say, “Your marriage is mediocre, and you have begun to consider that normal.” He continued by saying, “I never intend for you to have a mediocre marriage. I desire you to flourish in your relationship.” Again he said, “The reason it seems bad right now is because I am revealing something that has always been in both of your hearts. This is a GOOD season, not a bad one if you will but embrace what I am revealing to you. You need healing, and I have the necessary medicine.”
The next words I heard stunned me even more; he said, “The reason your marriage is mediocre with each other is that it is mediocre with me. You think that mediocrity in Christianity is normal. It isn’t. I was crucified to give you more than a boring husband. And I am worthy of more than an undevoted, unfaithful bride. You love intimacy with many things, and I am just one of those.” My heart nearly stopped, and I was greatly grieved. I started weeping in response to this reality.
If you want to start flourishing with your wife, you need to start flourishing with me, and do this together, as one.” God continued by saying, “Together you are my wife. Not Tara. Not you individually. You together. Will you give me your lives together? Will you devote your affection to me together? Will you pray to me together? Will you worship me together? Will you meditate on my Word together?” The truth was this was not happening. We were self-centered in our relationship with God. Self-centered in our relationship with each other. Therefore, Satan got a foothold. Mediocrity masqueraded itself as magnificent, and we were unaware of the damage that had been done deep within our hearts.
This is probably a great place to address a truth; when you source from your spouse for physical, emotional, and mental satisfaction and affirmation, it is exposing that you are not sourcing your desire for intimacy with God. God is the only one who can truly satisfy your longings and give you the affirmation you desire to hear. If you are not satisfied in and affirmed by God, your marriage will suffer the consequences. You will end up expecting an incapable vessel to satisfy your desires. This will be a recipe for disaster. You will become frustrated, disappointed, and disillusioned in your expectations with your spouse.
I wonder if you, too, can relate. If you know the feeling of first love slowly fading and your marriage becoming mediocre in love? I am not just referring to your natural spouse, though I am not minimizing it either. I am also talking about your love for Christ. I am talking about your marriage with the Son of Man. If we are going to flourish in intimacy with our spouse on earth and our eternal husband in heaven, we are going to have to fight to protect our first love. We are going to have to battle for intimacy in friendship and not let mediocrity become normal. We are going to have to throw off all other lovers and be solely devoted to God and our spouse. We must be able to identify when we need a chiropractor appointment from God, so we don’t continue walking with a limp.
Today the Lord wants to examine you. He wants to reveal to you the X-ray of your heart and give you a proper diagnosis of your current state. Maybe the X-ray comes out great. But, if not, do not despair. He also has a prescription of hope. Hope for there to be more in your relationship with your spouse than mediocrity. Hope for refreshment. Hope for reconciliation. If you will take the medicine of hope, you will be able to move forward in faith and embrace the journey toward healing and flourishing in intimacy with Christ and your spouse.
“But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.” - Revelation 2:4-5 ESV
