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Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stood over the kitchen sink washing one more dish. I couldn’t believe that I was questioning everything I believed. The most basic truths of the gospel were unsettled in my heart and I was ashamed of my lack of trust and loss of hope. I just wanted to understand what all this was for. Most of all, I feared that if I wasn’t healed from my anxiety, my kids would not love the Lord or trust Him. I felt physically ill as my pulse rose and my body trembled.
But then I heard the Lord…”One day you will look back and see the hard as holy.”
The words nearly took my breath away. I stood there letting the water run for what seemed like an hour. I felt a warm sensation flood my body from head to toe. His presence was so powerful in that moment. He reached into the depths of my soul and poured out the most soothing salve. My heart, gripped with this truth, physically settled back into a softer normal rhythm.
“One day you will forget the struggle and remember the joy,” He said. “One day you will not feel loss but only gain.”
I believed Him. I was starting to see everything in reverse and everything about Him in that moment seemed to gloss over all of the hard stuff and bring me to a peace and contentment that revived my heart.
It’s in seasons of struggle that I seem to learn the best. Trials are the training ground that puts my faith, hope and love to the test. It causes me to look deep into my inner man and see what’s really in there. What’s more real to me, my circumstances, or the Lord?
He reminds me…”You didn’t lose hope. You were angry about the circumstances but you allowed My strength to shine through and carry you through. What seemed hopeless made a way for hope to be found at a deeper level.”
The Lord revived my hope.
“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
(Romans 5:1-5)
And there it is…hope does not put us to shame. Hope brings the glory of God then back into my suffering so I can stand in awe of what He's about to do and what He’s already done.
I’m not ashamed of my hope. I’m not ashamed of my struggle because of what it’s producing in me and in those around me. I can see that now.
If you identify with any of this, maybe this word the Lord graciously gave me is for you too:
“Your purpose is unfolding right before your eyes. You are such a good mother. Your kids see who you are and they love you for being you. They love you for loving Me and showing them the way, My way, to live. Through all the hard things you are the one who has endured and conquered so that they could see how much you trust Me and love Me no matter what comes. You’ve made this possible. You didn’t lose hope. You were angry about the anxiety but you allowed My strength to shine through and carry you through. What seemed hopeless made a way for hope to be found at a deeper level. What seemed hopeless made a way for Me to be known at a deeper level. Your heart has a story about hope, faith and love, all of which your children are learning about through your struggle. The truest test of love is when all else is lost and all you have is Me. Abide in Me. Abide in my love. Stay in that space I gave you. That secret place. It’s a sacrifice to love me there and let go of everything else. It's the truest form of sacrifice and surrender. I will bless it because I love you. You can live in that space free from fear. Stay there. See all of your life as holy, as a holy transformation into the likeness of Me. Me gazing at you, you gazing at Me. Perfect Peace.”
It’s been a long season of learning. I wouldn’t have chosen it this way, but it’s where I learned to know Him. It’s where I’ve encountered the Lord at great depths. His intimacy is priceless! Intimacy with the Lord brings clarity to the things I struggle to understand. Knowing Him deeply unlocks the mysteries I long to know and believe. The Holy Spirit has been redefining such basic truths and bringing me to new levels of understanding. What a precious gift for the Lord to give us! I don’t know that I can fully grasp the truth that is beyond the truth!
Cristina Yutzy
