I’ve heard it said that we can’t know the love of Christ without tasting our desperation without Him. This is evidently true for me. In my early 40’s I found myself in a very dry place, spiritually, and I begged the Lord to do something, anything, to bring me out of the mundane, complacent life I was living. I didn’t really know what I was asking for, but what I received was much harder, and far greater than I could imagine. In fact, there are just no words to accurately and fully describe my encounters with the Lord. So bear with me as I try…
Following that plea for more of Him, I began a journey down a dreadful path of experiencing anxiety. The years following would result in medical tests, heart monitors, medications and counseling, mostly leaving me with unanswered questions and doubts about the love of God. When it all came to a breaking point, the desire to escape was greater than the desire to live. The inner torment and loneliness was more than I thought I could bear.
Thankfully, my story is not about anxiety, it’s about Him. God knows best. Oh, how He knows best! He knew that the only way to reach the frozen, unconscious corners of my heart and restore my true identity would be in the inconvenience of experiencing anxiety. I was desperate to find Him in all of this, usually on the floor, in a puddle.
He went after me hard, and I went after Him hard, and where we met was in the tomb. For a time it was dark, lonely, quiet…nothing. But He was with me. He knelt down, picked me up, and held me tight. It was both my death and His at the same time. And then morning came and it was my new life and His, at the same time. This wasn’t the “day I was saved” for that happened long ago. No, this was the day I fell in love. This was the day I knew divine love. He swept me off my feet and danced with me there, in the tomb, and we walked out together to see a new light and a new perspective on life: A new intimate relationship bonded by sacrifice and love. He not only loves me, but He desperately wants me. He chose me. He has a purpose for me.
Together we conquer each day. Together we worship, read scripture, love and pray. Together we sit in therapy sessions learning and healing. Together we break down walls of performance and fear. Together we battle for freedom from the cycles and patterns of anxiety. Together we parent, disciple, wash dishes and do laundry. Together we bring heaven to earth. Together we seek the Father’s heart for others. There is never a “not together”, there is only together forever. I don’t have to feel His presence to know He is present. I don’t have to see him face to face to hear Him say, “I love you”. He tells me every day. And He longs to hear me say it back.
I’m learning how to listen. The Lord continually prophecies over me words of hope and encouragement through His promises and truths in scripture, through my Kingdom community and through journaling His voice. His words from His heart to my pen are life-giving. His counsel, always gentle and reviving, and sometimes convicting, draws me deeper into knowing, brings me up to my rightful place with Him, and sustains my faith when storms arise.
Yes, the storms still come. The questions still come. There are times when I still long for a miracle of healing. There are times when I wonder why He’s not doing anything.
I imagine Jesus’ disciples are wondering the same thing. As their boat is being thrashed about in the storm, they go looking to find Jesus to save them, you know the story. Jesus is asleep. He tells them not to be afraid, and He rebukes the winds and the sea and everything is calm. They’re in awe of the miracle.
Today I read that story and only got to… “but he was asleep.”
I see Him. So peaceful, so calm, resting…knowing there is a storm, knowing there is no reason to fear, displaying a peace that passes understanding…“It’s not about the miracle,” He tells me. “It’s about faith. It’s not about what I can do, it’s about who I am.”
I grab my pen and He continues on…
“Look at me, sleeping through a storm. I’m not doing anything, because I don’t have to. Do I know the waves are crashing? Yes. Do I know you think you’ll get swallowed up by your anxiety? Yes. Does it appear I’m not doing anything? Yes. I know. I know you’re longing for rescue. I know you’re longing for peace. But listen, daughter, you’ve already been rescued. I’m resting because it is finished. There’s nothing more to fear. Ever. Let’s not waste time focusing on anxiety when you can be focusing on me, at peace, at rest. Look how calm I am. Just look at me loving you. Your faith in me draws us together in perfect union. Your faith in me is what draws you out of the waves and into my arms. Your faith in me is what causes you to stand, even when there is no ground, even when there is no feeling–there is faith.”
The God of the universe desires an intimate personal relationship with every one of us. If salvation wasn’t enough, through Jesus, we’re also invited into a love that knows no boundaries, a love that beckons us to encounter Him every moment of every day. A love that overcomes every circumstance. A love that motivates and activates a love for others, and for the whole world to experience it. Whatever He’s inviting you into, don’t be afraid of the journey. He’s worth it. You’re worth it.
