My mom and dad got a divorce when I was 10 years old. I was in a lot of shock when my mom first told me. I had no idea what my parents were struggling with at the time. I found out my dad had struggled for many years with an alcohol addiction. During my life up to this point, I had experienced an extremely loving father despite his struggles. My dad has a very tender heart and always made me feel so special. I always felt very cared for by my mom. Even when my parents struggled financially I never felt deprived of anything. Although I felt taken care of by her, I did not always feel deeply loved and understood. Both of my parents had flaws and although I never stopped loving them, I did not always have compassion or understanding for them.
For me, the reality of my parents divorcing impacted me much later in life. In 2013, I met my husband and started to spend more and more time with his family. For the first time, I was seeing what it was like for someone to grow up in a home with their mom, dad, and sibling under the same roof. I loved that they did life together and the traditions they kept as a family. I loved the countless conversations we would have about Jesus. As time went on a realization happened. I realized beyond 10 years old, I did not get to experience a home where my parents were together. Where we did things together and not separately. I didn't experience two parents who loved Jesus and talked to me about Him.
The more my eyes were opened to what I was lacking and the ways I was flawed as a result of childhood pain and trauma through divorce, the more bitter I became towards my past. I had so much anger and hurt towards the situation. I was so frustrated that sin could result in the separation of a family and cause so much division and pain that was never meant to be there in the first place; if only my parents had been together. This sadness and anger became stronger and stronger for quite a few years. I tried to stifle my emotions but it often came out in tears of anger and bitterness for what I lacked and could not go back and change.
The whole time I went through this I felt a slight prompting from the Lord inviting me to deal with it and process it. I pushed it away for probably 5 years. One night the Holy Spirit softened my heart somehow. I was praying and finally asked the Lord to show me whatever He needed to show me in order for me to heal. I knew He wanted me to forgive but I didn't know how.
The Lord began to give me images in my mind. The first image I got in my mind was an image of my mom and dad. I then had an image of them as babies, and I felt the innocence of them being little. The pains of life had not affected them yet. I then saw them start to grow up. I saw my mom with an imperfect dad who did not love her well emotionally, and mainly provided for her financially. I saw my dad without a father and a mother who didn't love him well either, resulting in him being raised by his aunt and uncle. Next, I saw an image of my grandma and grandpa and again saw them as babies feeling the innocence of their age and joy and compassion towards them. I then saw my grandpa as a young boy completely broken by his mom's death at a young age. And the guilt and shame that weighed him down for saying something to her out of anger, not knowing that was one of the last things he'd ever say to her. I saw the way that loss and guilt affected his entire life and the way he loved. I continued to see generation after generation as innocent babies, then changed and influenced by the deep pains of this life.
I cried and cried and cried. God never intended it to be this way. The Lord brought tremendous inner healing through this. I was able to understand, forgive, and have deep compassion towards my parents and family. I realized I am no different than them, and my kids will be no different. Whether you grew up in a home with Jesus-loving parents who were together, or a home broken by sin and divorce, or you never knew your parents, I can say one thing for sure: We are ALL lacking something from our childhood, no one that raised us was ever perfect. Every parent is flawed and so are we. We were all little and innocent at some point, unaffected by the pains of life that were yet to come.
I had hope of being a very patient and compassionate mom towards my girls. My oldest is very highly emotional just like I was when I was little, and there are lots of days that I have been compassionate and understanding towards her. But there have also been days I have snapped in anger often fueled by my own inward troubles. If I am struggling, it shows in the way I love my family. There were many days I experienced these same things with my parents and had no concept of what was causing anger, tension, or disconnect. I often look back and think about what my parents were going through emotionally at the time of their divorce. Years of trying to make it work, years of financial struggle, and the pain and guilt of addiction. I can only imagine the inner turmoil they were going through at the time.
No one WANTS to struggle. No one WANTS to be a horrible parent or spouse. No one WANTS to be weighed down by depression and anxiety that affects their entire life and the relationships they have. NO ONE wants to be in a broken world. That's why we have hope in Jesus. Not just in the life to come, but in THIS life.
Recently for the first time in my walk with God, He revealed himself as Father to me. It has given me a deeper grace for myself as I've gotten revelation about myself as His child. Through this, I've realized what a perfect Father is. He is one who loves through affection, compassion, and understanding, but also through discipline. He is one who is slow to anger, but when He is angry it is pure. It's never condemning. It is out of pure longing for my heart to be fully intertwined with His. He is consistent and constant in the way He pursues me and loves me. After receiving this life-changing revelation about the Father, I found myself thanking Him for my flawed parents. Because in all the areas they were flawed, I've gotten to discover, and am still discovering, all the ways my Heavenly Father is perfect in those ways. Their failures have magnified my Father's perfection and have drawn me deeper to His heart. In Him, I am experiencing a redeemed childhood as a child of God. He is my perfect Father who lacks nothing.
It is such a good thing to pursue healing from our past. I love that the younger generations are realizing the importance of this. But I beg you to approach healing not fueled by bitterness, but approaching our past and relationship pains through the lens of grace that God has for those He has created. We all have a past and have all had pains of this fallen world shape us in ways we wish it wouldn't have. But we have hope in the divine healing of our Father. We can have grace for ourselves as parents because we too will fail our children. No matter how hard we try, we will fall short in some way, shape, or form. But we can be thankful that where we are weak, He is strong. In the areas where we are flawed, our children can experience perfection in Him.
If we were perfect, or our parents were perfect, or never struggled with sin, we would not need Jesus. If every desire of this life was meant to be fulfilled by someone else, we would not need Jesus. There would be no need for Him because we already have all that we need. Thank the Lord we don't have all that we need. Thank the Lord that every need and expectation we place on others is never met perfectly because it can only be met in the person of Jesus. Allow your heart to heal, through the perfect and unconditional love and pursuit of our Heavenly Father.
